Reflections of You Article
Summer Madness
If 2020 has taught us anything, it is that time waits for no man, and neither should we! Summer is upon us and things are finally opening back up. Are you ready to get back out there? There's so much happening around us, and I don't know about you, but I'm tired of looking at these four walls.
Some would say things are moving just too fast. And in some instances, I would agree, however life is still happening whether we're there in the moment or not. I'd rather seize the moments and make new memories. One thing about time is that we must enjoy it while we have it,. Tomorrow isn't guaranteed, therefore live your life to the fullest, today. If there's something worthwhile you desire to do, do it!
Concerts, sporting events, movies, and traveling are all making a great comeback! I know, I know there's still some concern about Covid, vaccines, and masks. I get it! But with more people getting vaccinated and being responsible, you and I can enjoy all the things we've missed. Simple things like jazz in the park or going to the local coffee shop and smelling the aroma of freshly made coffee and baked pastries. No more long drive-thrus for us, we're dining in!
Go ahead step into the madness of summer by doing something new, fun, and refreshing. Take that trip, say hello to that secret crush, or take your mate out on a hot date. Whatever you choose to do, do it with love, for fun, and always with safety. Here's to you making new beautiful memories. Have fun! □
Reflections of You Article
Good Tidings
Good tidings to you and all of my fellow friends! The holidays are upon us, and can we agree that this has been one heck of a year. My Lord, my God, if it weren't for His grace, where would we all be? But never the less, life goes on, and so must we. With so much loss in the world, many may not feel like celebrating. Or you may even question why we should celebrate anything, and I genuinely understand. The world has been affected by a life-changing disease that's so dire; some can't help but be dismayed. I get it!
But tomorrow was never promised; this much we know is true. However, no one ever said that we couldn't make the best out of what remains. So let's celebrate today! Today is all that we have. Let us not waste another single moment of how life used to be. Yesterday is gone, but today remains for now. Today, let us enjoy the company of good friends and family by making everlasting memories.
So when we think about our family and friends, yes, we do have something to celebrate. We must celebrate and be thankful for the moments we have today. The present of right now is a gift of today, and we should all enjoy her.
But I am also looking forward to all the days ahead and praying for a better tomorrow, but until that time comes, today is all that I have. Here's to your tomorrow and beyond; may it be better than your today!□
Reflections of You Article
It's Not Over Yet!
"Write the vision and make it plain," was not a suggestion given by God to Habakkuk, but with the intent of every word written to be carried out. Habakkuk 2:2-3.
The first quarter of 2020 has caused many of us to be swept clean off of our feet. What we understood to be strong and sturdy (our sovereignty) wasn't, and what thought we could rely on (job stability), we couldn't. But there's still a plan at play.
We all started this year with zeal. We were looking at 2020 with hope and dreams of great success. There were things to be accomplished and we were well on our way. No one expected things to turn out the way that they did, I know I didn't. So here we are. The first quarter was a shock, and the second quarter looked hopeless, where do we go from here?
God said to Habakkuk, "This vision is for a future time. It describes the end, and it will be fulfilled. If it seems slow in coming, wait patiently, for it will surely take place. It will not be delayed.” Habakkuk 2:3 NLT. Take comfort in knowing that the God-given dream that He has given you will surely come to pass.
He has not forgotten about us and despite the setback, we are still poised and in position for a great come up. In the game of football, there are also four quarters. You'll never hear a coach nor a player, say the words, "give up" in the game despite the outlook. Why? Because there's still a whole lot of football to played. Make this your mantra, "I'm still in it, to win it." That's winning over every obstacle and stumbling block sent you're way.
You will win! Be encouraged and regroup. Things may seem slow now, but they will surely pick up. I'll see you in the winner's circle. □
Reflections of You Article
Interview featuring Mike Walker
Mike Walker is one of those people that you could instantly connect with, and it happened that way for me. He instantly became one of my favorite people. As a dating expert and Founder of Black Single Christians and Black Single Christians Connections, Mike and I connected over a delicious meal with lots of laughter and conversation. There was no question that I wanted to interview him. I simply had to. Here is a person who has had over ten plus years in helping others, and I wanted to share his wisdom with the world. Mike is as open and candid as his heart. We talked about everything under the sun from business to love.
What does being a single Christian really mean? Are we expected to date differently than anyone else who isn't Christian?
A single Christian is a follower of Christ and a practitioner of the Christian faith who chooses to apply those principles in dating as well as in courtship.
You have multiple successful endeavors, but two, in particular, are on Facebook. Your groups, Single Black Christians (SBC) and Single Black Christians Connect (SBCC), both have strong followings, how long have you all been around, and how did these groups come to be?
Well, I created my group Single Black Christians on Facebook in April 2009. I felt since the site was fledgling at the time, that it would be the perfect platform for single Christians to discuss the ups and downs of singleness from a Christian perspective. Five years later, we decided to create a spinoff strictly for dating.
I'm sure you have seen and heard some interesting things over the years?
[He laughs] Like you wouldn't believe. But seriously, at the end of the day, people are looking for and desiring to be loved.
Not to put you out there, but I'm curious, are you still looking or have found that something special? If so, has it affected your thoughts or views, or enhanced them? For instance, is the advice you give, now being practiced?
[He smiles.] Yes, I am currently in a relationship right now and it has enhanced (and even corrected) some of my previous views concerning relationships. Communication is key in any relationship, but it’s extremely vital in a romantic relationship.
I know many don’t want to read this, but abstinence is very crucial in the relationship as well. I believe we live in an age that premarital sex cheapens the bond between a man and a woman, and it’s even worse when the couple proclaims themselves as followers of Christ. As Christians, we must strive to keep things holy and honest.
What then would you say are the golden rules of dating? (The do's and don'ts)
• Do communicate
• Don’t have sex
• Don’t rush things
• Do enjoy the journey
• Don’t force it to be more than what it is.
• Do go by spiritual discernment and common sense
I find that the relationship advice given to me is some that I often share with others. Would this be the same for you? What do you advise people to do in new relationships?
I really do because it just makes sense. I advise people all the time to take their time and don’t fall in love so fast, and to be sure their communication stays on point. No one knows what you think or how you feel until you voice it.
Some people believe in soulmates, while others don't. I personally do, but what are your thoughts?
I’ve never quite sat down and thought about that concept. Come back to me with that in about two years! [He laughs.]
What about "The One"? Do you believe there is a difference between a soulmate and "The One"?
“The One” is self-explanatory; they’re going to be the one that will fit perfectly in your life plan and vice versa. They will leave little to no doubt about their positive role in your life.
I know, I've said on several occasions that this is "The One", but never soulmate. In your opinion, do you believe that a person can encounter more than one "The One" in a lifetime?
Yup and I lost the previous "The Ones" through a variety of reasons including fear. I believe the Lord sends us “The One” more than once. However, I also believe He will do that only for so long, so that means we really need to get our acts together if we wish to have a relationship and eventually marriage.
Now that is real food for thought. How can we connect with you via social media for more gems of wisdom?
Facebook: DoctorWalker
Youtube: Mike Walker
Instagram: Miketreehouse
Twitter: MykeGT
What's next for the Walker brand?
Building more media interaction via blogging as well as vlogging. There’s more, but you’ll just have to wait and see.
And wait and see we will. I thanked Mike Walker for being so gracious to me by doing this interview. It's not every day that you get a chance to come across a ten-year plus relationship expert, whose ministry is to help single Christians, yet feels like he's just getting started. He is indeed a well of wisdom and knowledge, and an inspiration to us all. □
Reflections Of You Article
Online Dating Isn't For Suckers
Are you bold, are you brave, are you daring? Your new love interest just might be one click or swipe away. Since the 18th century, courtship has taken quite a few twists and turns. It has gone from pledging the son's or daughter's hand in marriage to just swiping left, and although arranged marriages still exist until this day, the digital way of boy meets girl has taken over. Hello Internet! Since this magnificent creation has come to be, people who were was once thought shy, are now socially evolved. From group chats to private DMs, there is no excuse for anyone to say, "They can't meet anyone." Social media and dating apps alike have literally made it possible for everyone to date!
At first, people were skeptical about the thought of meeting someone online. "Why not meet someone at church, the grocery store, or even gas station?" My response, "What if Mr. or Mrs. Right never shows up at any of those places, then what?" I'm not saying that it isn't possible to meet someone there, but online dating has an edge and advantage. While in the comfort and safety of your own home, you can view and meet as many people as you like to determine if they're compatible, and if not, you can move on to the next suitable candidate.
For many, love is a just profile click away. I've known people to meet and marry from either meeting on social media or from a dating site. Either way, online dating isn't for everybody and definitely not suckers. No matter the reason for signing up, one has to be smart, intentional, and brave to online date. For those who have ventured off in the virtual land of dating, they will tell you quickly about the dos and don'ts of online dating. First things first, be safe. Just like you can meet a weirdo on the street, they also exist online too. Unfortunately, not everyone out there is looking for true love. Some are looking for victims. Therefore, your first assignment is to protect yourself. Do not give nor send anyone money. Let me repeat, do not give nor send anyone money. Desperate people will do desperate things for love. Love will not cause you physical, emotional, mental, nor financial hurt, harm, or pain. The second assignment is to date at your own pace. If you're being rushed to do things out of your comfort zone, they may not be the one for you.
Before you start to date online. Educate yourself on the red flags of online dating. The goal is never to waste your time or to place yourself in harm's way. The article written in Cosmopolitan by Frank gives 16 of the biggest red flags. The most common would be if they lead with asking for inappropriate pictures or sending you inappropriate pictures. Their conversation is always about sex, or is very inconsistent with making plans, and not following through.
Millions of people are using online dating as a way to meet someone new, and as much as I love meeting new people, online dating isn't for me. Okay, call me a cheap Charlie, but I don't think it's necessary to pay someone just to read an email, or to see who has checked out my profile. There are many free dating sites out there that offer these features for free, but for those sites that require payment, I'm told, are serious about finding love. The second thing I dislike about online dating is being online. I like to physically see my date. I'm one for body language and being active. Some people enjoy video chatting and that works for them. Plus, I'm very affectionate and love to hug, and I can't do that over the internet.
But be that as it may, wherever you find love, love is found. My hat is off to all the men and women who have found love online, and it was successful. May they continue to thrive and be trailblazers for others wishing to follow in the same footsteps. If you choose to use this method to date, have fun, enjoy, and be safe! May you too find the love you seek, and if you're old school, I'll be seeing you in the local grocery store.□
https://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/news/a30570/biggest-online-dating-red-flags/
Reflections of You Article
Relationship Reflections Reflects
The Anniversary Edition
My Joy
Nothing could have prepared me more for the joy I would feel from launching my first website, nor the fulfillment it has truly given me. I celebrate this anniversary with excitement! I can't believe it has been a whole year! I am truly grateful to all of those who have contributed to Relationship Reflections and helped aid in its success, especially those of you who come back week after week, I truly thank you. I am honored to be able to share what I've learned, it is a dream come true. The thought of my labor of love being read daily around the globe not only blesses me, but also inspires me to do even more. Our Heavenly Father has truly blessed me beyond measure, and I owe every ounce of success to Him. I am a living witness of but with God all things are possible.
My Growth
Since my launch, I remember being asked how has launching a relationship blog changed my dating life. I can honestly say, it has changed a lot. I have a better understanding now, and no longer allow what I see, think, or feel alone, have the final say. I have since learned to rely on discernment and prayer more. I now understand the danger in not heeding the Holy Spirit's warnings and words of wisdom.
Missing these warnings in times past has caused me many frustrations, but I have since learned that we see things from the perspective of where we are, in that very moment, but the Holy Spirit has seen things from everlasting to everlasting, that is why I can say He is "Reliable", He is "All Knowing", and "Trustworthy". In this world we all live imperfect lives, but one thing we do have is a perfect God. His genuine love and concern for us helps us to get it right on a daily basis even when we miss the mark.
Our Future
My desire for today, tomorrow, and beyond is to grow. First, grow in the knowledge of who it is God has called us to be, and develop a closer relationship with Him while we do so. To be in covenant with God, helps us to develop our trust in Him. This type of trust can only be conceived in love, birth by faith, and raised in Holy boldness, power, and influence. These are the things that uniform us as we act on God's plans for our lives. Secondly, grow in areas of self-improvement. No one is perfect. We all have room to grow, and lastly, grow in loving companionship with our mates. But before we can be a better mate for someone else, we must be at our best for ourselves, and identified as Christ sees us.
Here’s to one year down and so many, many, more to come.
Reflections of You
Interview: What Do Men Really Want?
In anticipation of the movie, What Men Want featuring Ms. Taraji P. Henson, has inspired me to ask my single male friends this very same question. Here's what they had to say when asked, "What do men really want?"
Appreciation
Most men want to be respected. They want to feel wanted and needed. Valued. Men want to feel appreciated. Show him that you value him by being there. We live in a culture that devalues relationships everyday. When I overhear a woman doing so, I go the other way. Whether she knows it or not, what she's actually saying to her mate is, "I don't want you."
We need one another. We are vastly different and wasn't meant to be the same. What you have I need, and what I have you need. If I share anything, it would be to value what you have in him.
So what would you say is the most important thing to you in a relationship?
The most important thing to me is to be appreciated. Be appreciative of what I'm offering. I only offer my very best.
How does being appreciated make you feel? What does her doing so do for you?
It will only makes me want to do more for her, and in turn I'll do more.
-Jimmy T.
Companionship
We want honesty, time, fellowship, and consistency.
What would you say is the most important thing to you in a relationship?
Companionship. Spending time with someone that you just click with due to mutual respect, understanding, and communication is a beautiful thing.
What would it mean to have all of those things?
To have these things in a relationship would bring me joy. Especially if you're in love. It would bring about an excitement, and it makes it easier to be yourself.
- Messiah P.
Balance
Happiness, peace, love, and understanding. But in ways that allows us to be us while you be you. The honest man knows certain things. So do honest women. We approach love differently, and there is nothing wrong with that.
What would you say is most important in your relationship?
The most important thing is reciprocation. If I'm treating you well, I would like to think it would be returned in the same fashion. One thing we can not have is a one- sided relationship that is only beneficial to one person. Both parties must give their 100 percent.
-Khalil N.
Dedication
Honesty, communication, companionship, just to name a few.
What would you say is the most important in your relationship?
Doing the right thing, because it's just the right thing to do at all times. For me, I want to push past the mediocrity of everybody being just good in relationships, that's not enough. I desire to have a relationship built around greatness. Men need women who will support their visions, believe in their dreams, and compliment their progress.
-W. Drake
Acceptance
If we assume the basics are inherently accepted, (love and fidelity, peace and harmony, trust and honesty), then I guess, it would be someone who gets you.
What would you say is the most important in your relationship?
Acceptance. They accept where you've been, they know who you are, and they want to be there for what's to come.
-Shannon R.
In conclusions, what men truly want rings loud and clear. In general, I found out men wanted respect, honesty, communication, appreciation, and love. Special thanks to my male friends for being so open and honest in their thoughts. I've learned quite a bit about them, and men in general. What I anticipated to be said versus what was actually shared, was eye-opening and thought provoking. I walked away with a better understanding and a deeper appreciation for them.
Reflections of You
Interview featuring Andrea
World-traveled. Educator. Bestie.
When our mothers are great friends, it's no shocker that this beauty and I would become the best of friends. We celebrate 35 plus years of just that, friendship! This sweet beautiful spirit is someone that I turn to for wisdom, and sound council. I don't know what life would be like without her. Through the years she and I have had countless conversations about love and relationships. So of course I tapped her next for an interview!
The Interview
What are you best known for?
Calm/caring demeanor
How would you best answer this statement? My first love was ___, and I loved ___, because ___.
My first love was my family.
I loved my family dearly because when I was with them I felt loved, accepted, and cherished.
What song best describes your relationship status, and why?
Unfortunately, I don't listen to the radio much so I can't really comment on this one.
Would you say you're:
Single and satisfied...not looking.
Single and dating... looking/waiting to be found.
Single and I'm over it...dating sucks.
Single and dating...waiting to be found.
Why? I just take life as it comes. I've learned over the years to enjoy the moments of life. If those moments include someone at my side, Great! If those moments are solo, Great! I have grown to understand the Apostle Paul as he said, 'I've learned to be content no matter what state I'm in'. Often people rush to fall in love (or the romantic fantasy of love) with someone before they have learned to love themself. If you haven't mastered loving yourself, how can you love another. You can't give what you don't have. Learning to love yourself is a process that shouldn't be rushed. It develops wholeness within your inner man.
What areas of growth are you experiencing in your season of singleness?
Self contentment
How has being single impacted your life overall? What are the pros and cons of singleness?
As I enter various seasons of singleness, I have faced a variety of challenges. As I faced these challenges, it has caused me to grow in ways I never could have imagined. It caused me to dive deeper in my relationship with Christ through expanding my trust and faith in him and his word. It has also caused me to grow in awareness and acceptance of who I am and grow in strength.
As a Christian woman do you find it difficult to date, and why?
No, I don't think it's difficult. I believe one must set standards/parameters before dating. Know what is and is not permissible for you. Once they're established, don't compromise. Also, let the one you're dating know your standards. If they don't share your mindset, it's best know this before emotions get involved.
When selecting whom to date, what qualities must he have?
Believer of Christ, sense of humor (I adore dry humor), integrity, employed/financially stable (Sounds shallow but hey, it is what it is. His grind should at least be as strong as mine.), ability to converse on a variety of topics, somewhat of an explorer/traveler, has a love for people, and last (but definitely not least) chivalrous.
Are you dateable? Would you date you, and why?
I would like to think I am, LOL! I don't think there's a secret recipe of what makes one 'dateable'. Dating, in my opinion, is simply two individuals with common interests, enjoying each other's company.
Describe the perfect first date?
I don't go into a date with a lot of preconceived expectations for a gentleman to meet (at least not in the beginning). His choices/actions during the date will tell me a lot about him. It's actually a means of getting to know him. For example, if he take me to a restaurant that I like or plans an activity that I enjoy, it tells me he's a person who is thoughtful and has made my enjoyment a priority. If he opens the door for me or waits for me to sit before he sit, it tells me he's chivalrous.
What keeps you grounded? What prevents you from being led by the flesh, or better yet what keeps you focused?
My love for God. My trust in his love for me. There's a saying, 'When you can't trace God's hand, trust his heart'. I trust his heart. The parameters he has set for his children is not to withhold from us but rather to develop us in order that we may obtain the exceedingly great treasures he has already made available to us. I choose to operate within his parameters (His Word) to the best of my ability, believing to see his goodness.
Psalm 37:4-5 (AMP)
4 Delight yourself in the Lord,
And He will give you the desires and petitions of your heart.
5 Commit your way to the Lord;
Trust in Him also and He will do it.
Ps. 27:13-14
13 I had fainted, unless I had believed to see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
14 Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the Lord.
How do you fight or avoid temptation?
By making every effort to avoid situations which would tempt me to compromise the parameters set.
What is love to you?
Love is commitment
Love is trust
Love is acceptance
Love is forgiveness
Love is peace
Love is perseverance
Love is putting another before yourself
Love is Grace
Which would you say is better, to marry for love, or to marry for purpose, and why?
Good question...
I can only speak for myself, I think both are vitally important. But honestly, I think if you fall in love with your God approved (not emotion led) spouse, purpose will follow.
How important is being equally yoked to you, and why?
Very important. Why? God said it best in the book of Amos.
Amos 3:3
Can two walk together, except they be agreed? KJV
Can two people walk together without agreeing on the direction? NLT
Are you preparing yourself for him/her? Do you believe it stops after you've said I do, and why?
This may sound odd to some but I'm not preparing myself for someone not known to me. I live my life striving to be whole and complete. To strive to live the standard God set in his Word and enjoying life along the way. My thoughts aren't consumed with meeting, dating, and marrying some mystery man. But rather enjoying everyday life. I think many people are so consumed with who they will marry and how to be this image of a perfect spouse, that they neglect to enjoy the journey along the way. Marriage isn't (in my opinion) a final destination but rather one aspect of the journey of life. God has bless me to travel the world, meet people from all walks of life, experience life through others' perspective, and much more. You see, I believe in preparing yourself for wholeness, not another person. When that person comes along, you'll be a better companion because you have allowed God to use your life's journey to shape and mold you into who he designed you to be.
With God being the center, what other items do you feel is needed to have a successful relationship?
*Communication is key. When I say communication, I don't mean just
talking. The dictionary refers to it as:
1:To commune with each other
2: To transmit information, thought, or feeling so that it is satisfactorily
received or understood
3 : to open into each other : CONNECT
*Trust
*Respect
*Grace
*Forgiveness
*Laughter
If you are waiting to be found, have you ever asked God about your future spouse? Do you cover them in prayer? Would you say this is important, and why?
I have on occasions covered him in prayer. Prayer is vital in any relationship. Therefore it is imperative for in you to create a habit of prayer.
Last question, what is some of the best relationship advice you've ever been given?
According to God's word, within the institution of marriage, two become one flesh. The two individuals are whole when they join together. They're not seeking the other to make them whole because they can't. In your time of singleness, allow God to make you whole, develop you, heal you, strengthen you, and draw you close unto himself. Singleness is not a time to seek a man or woman nor think everyone that comes into your life is 'the one'. It's your time to pursue the one who is the lover of your soul and allow him to shape and form you into who you are destined to be. And while he's shape/molding/healing/restoring you, relax and enjoy the ride. Trust him.
Jeremiah 1:5 Amplified Bible (AMP)
5 “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you [and approved of you as My chosen instrument],
And before you were born I consecrated you [to Myself as My own];
I have appointed you as a prophet to the nations.”
This is your journey to walk with the one created and predestined you. As you're walking with him, he will send someone along so that the two (God & you) may now become three (God, you, and your spouse) and you all will then become one. WOW! Gotta love God's math!!! Be less consumed with seeking the gift (spouse) but rather seek the gift giver (God) and he will give you the gift in your due season. Trust him.
Matthew 6:33-34 (NIV)
33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.
Reflections of You
Interview featuring Fave
About three years ago I had the honor of meeting one of the dopest dudes on the planet. Fave, the family man, the Entrepreneur is one of the most genuine people I've come across in a while. Humbly he is an inspiration to many, an encourager to all, and a motivator to the youth. He would be the first to tell anyone who’ll listen how God has blessed him, but until you actually see the work of this award-winning Grammy writer, Author, Illustrator, Musician, Chef, and did I mention Youth Pastor, you'll fully understand just how influential he really is.
So there was no question he'd be the first I tapped to do an interview. In my interview with him, Fave was very forth coming and giving. He did not disappoint. His perspective brought realism, honesty, and wisdom. Recently, I was in a local store browsing around, looked over, and there is was standing in the middle of the aisle. In true Fave like fashion, he was engaged with his phone, and unaware I was there until I called his name. After exchanging pleasantries, we decided to check-out in the same lane to continue our conversation about the interview, that was until somebody held up the line, because her nail polish didn't scan. Needlessly to say, another cashier checked him out, I got my nail polish, and we went our separate ways.
The Reflections of You Interview
What are you best known for?
I believe I’m best known for being creative. God has blessed me to create in the arts (writing, drawing, music, etc.)
How would you best answer this statement? My first love was ___, and I loved ___, because ___.
My first love was art and I loved art because it allowed me to manifest my thoughts into something I could see and share.
What song best describes your relationship status, and why?
“Trust Me” by Ill Camille feat. SIR
I chose this song for its musical delivery moreso than lyrical content; thus, the allure of this song is found in what’s “not said.” The instrumentation flows with the current of the tempo. There’s intensity and playfulness between the feminine and masculine voices. The sample of Jamiroquai’s “Morning Glory” symbolizes the newness of the situation – fresh, clean, and effervescing with potential. Would you say you're: Single and satisfied...not looking. Single and dating... looking/waiting to be found. Single and I'm over it...dating sucks.
Single and dating.
What areas of growth are you experiencing in your season of singleness?
Trusting God while removing power from my emotions are the pinnacle of my growth. It’s a heightened awareness of the battle between spirit and flesh. This season has prompted a ferocious appetite for the Word in order to subdue the emotions of solemnity, frustration, anger, embarrassment, uncertainty, and sadness. These thoughts are primarily fleeting idioms, whizzing above my head, but never anchoring in my brain. Countless books on success and leadership suggest that successful leaders are in control of their emotions. As a believer, I push to take it a step further by controlling my emotions through confessing what God has to say about me. Using God’s Word to override thoughts, that aren’t aligned with His Word, is the single greatest experience of growth I’ve had in this season.
How has being single impacted your life overall? What are the pros and cons of singleness?
Being single has afforded me the time to spend with God to identify His purpose for my life and set a mental foundation of implementation (without the additional focus of a relationship). The result is the “pro” of being poised for clarity in God’ mission and more quiet moments to seek His wisdom; plus, just getting to know myself. The “con” is often looking at the promises of God and accepting the fact that I may celebrate the realization of those promises…alone.
As a Christian man, do you find it difficult to date, and why?
I don’t find it difficult. I believe the difficulty comes in how you communicate, manage expectations and set boundaries for yourself before you even ask someone out.
When selecting whom to date, what qualities must she have?
I’d like for her to be pretty; with a beauty that emits from within vs. starting at her face and body. Having a sense of humor and zeal for life is important. She must have a desire to discover the silver lining around the darkest of clouds. She must be able to celebrate life’s wins and have a heart to help people, starting with each other. She must have a relationship with God (which is different than “goes to church”) and willingness to pray together as well as individually.
Are you dateable? Would you date you, and why?
I believe that I am datable. I would date me on the strength of my unorthodox thinking and imagination. In a world of extreme materialism, my focus is creating unforgettable life experiences – which goes further than the price tag of a fancy dinner or buying the latest symbol of affection. I want to have fun! As a man, I understand dating is a financial affair, but I don’t let money or facades dictate the quality of time we spend together.
Describe the perfect first date?
The perfect first date should accomplish three (3) things:
Promote conversation/engagement
Reveal an aspect of who you (really) are
Demonstrate that you have listened
Evoking engagement on a first date is as simple as choosing a venue that allows you to talk with minimal distractions. Museums are great for interacting in the midst of eclectic conversation pieces. The local zoo is also a good choice (as long as your date isn’t allergic to the fur). Should you choose to go out to eat, the place should be somewhere fun and preferably new and/or highly recommended. As a foodie and musician, I would incorporate a place that has exotic food or live music. If she loves seafood or has a love for the outdoors, it would be great to find a place that serves fresh fish or take her on a picnic. Most importantly, the perfect first date should be the baseline of how you plan to stay connected, even when you’re on date #427.
What keeps you grounded? What prevents you from being led by the flesh, or better yet what keeps you focused?
Prayer and reading God’s Word daily keeps me grounded; when I don’t do this, I feel the difference immediately. Malnourishing the flesh, while fueling the spirit, has helped keep me focused. I still have my challenges, but the struggle is not as severe as when I didn’t keep the Word (e.g., sermons, books, podcasts, conversations, prayer groups, etc.) close to me.
How do you fight or avoid temptation?
Guarding the gates to my soul (e.g., eyes, ears, etc.). I’m also real with myself when it comes to what I can and cannot handle. I avoid temptation mainly by deliberately not tempting myself beyond my willpower. Some things I don’t need to see or hear so I turn my head or put on my earbuds. If the situation cannot be blocked or removed, I’m reminded that God always provides and escape and we have an opportunity to choose it – regardless of what our flesh says.
What is love to you? Love is unconditional, respect, trust, acceptance, encouragement and laughing at my jokes because they’re funny. It’s neither performance-based nor rooted in fear. Moreover, it’s doing those things sans the expectation of a ROI (Return on Investment). Which would you say is better, to marry for love, or to marry for purpose, and why?
I can’t imagine a love that isn’t rooted in purpose. I believe that love sans purpose, is the feeling of love; whereas, love with purpose is the feeling PLUS the decision to love (when the feeling isn’t there). It’s very difficult to separate the two and be effective.
How important is being equally yoked to you, and why?
It is the most important aspect of relationships to me because you can’t move forward without insuring you’re both tethered to the same vision (i.e., Amos 3:3). This goes deeper than just spirituality (although, that’s the foundation). Opposites attract, when you’re magnets – I believe people should be like-minded in most of their thoughts. Compatibility seems to be more abundant when two people share lifestyle affinities.
Are you preparing yourself for her? Do you believe it stops after you've said I do, and why?
What am I preparing for exactly? Getting my finances in order? Learning about emotional availability? Leadership development? Increasing my prayer life? I personally feel the “preparing for her” is a short-sighted goal. Marriage is supposed to mirror our relationship to God; therefore, if I’m preparing to serve God and live in His purpose, I’m subsequently preparing for her. Just like you don’t stop improving after you get saved, you don’t stop seeking continued education, insight, counsel, etc. on being a good partner. With God being the center, what other items do you feel is needed to have a successful relationship?
I feel you need to understand each other’s love language and proceed to be bi-lingual if the languages are different. Transparency and consistency are important items, as well as managing emotions through a myriad of scenarios. Being proactive about conflict resolution, goal-setting, how to navigate existing friends of the opposite sex, etc. are all good things to work through that aren’t popular topics, but potential land mines down the road. If you are looking, have you ever asked God about your future spouse? Do you cover them in prayer? Would you say this is important, and why?
I haven’t asked God about her. I’m not sure what I’m asking about (i.e., revelation, experiences, etc.). I think it’s good to cover those with whom you interact (i.e., dating) in prayer and, more important, ask God to show you what you need to do/learn/grow as you prepare to BE someone’s spouse. I feel that we get so fixated on what we want, that very little time is spent asking God how we can work on who we are to BE for our future spouse. If we spent as much time praying about being a blessing, as we do about receiving one (in the form of a relationship), the needs, qualities, prerequisites, etc. would take care of themselves.
Last question, what is some of the best relationship advice you've ever been given?
“Find someone who loves you.”
It sounds simple, but I was told this in my early-20s and I was in my late-30s before I finally realized what it meant.
A special God bless and thank you to Fave for sharing his reflections on being single with us. If you’d like more insight, please check out his past podcasts on Mixcloud, and other creative projects at the following links below.